Strange Incidents
by lana-nana
Summary: Just a bunch of strange incidents that happened in Tortall.
1. Is That A Spider?

Strange Incidents  
  
Okay, I'm at it again and attempting to write yet another fic (humor possibly?) It's a bit pointless, like everything else I write. Everyone's bit out of character (like Numair) But hey, this is supposed to be humor. Of course everyone will be OOC. So sorry if you don't find this funny. I understand. I think.  
  
Disclaimer: Same old boring disclaimer. I don't own anything! Okay?  
  
All right, in this fic/incident I'm making fun of Alanna, and she's really OOC (in my last fic I made fun of Jon, hehe) So all you Alanna worshippers (as in WORSHIPPERS) and you people who don't have a sense of humor, DON'T READ!  
  
Incident #1: Is That A Spider?  
  
(Daine, Alanna, and Numair are in a very dusty/old attic. Uh oh)  
  
Alanna: *COUGH*  
  
Daine: *COUGH*  
  
1 Numair: *COUGH*  
  
Alanna: Copy *COUGH* cat.  
  
Daine: That is *COUGH* not true!  
  
Numair: Yea *COUGH* Alanna!  
  
(Alanna glares at them)  
  
Alanna: What is wrong *COUGH* with you, Numair? (a/n-check out 'Twas the Night Before Christmas)  
  
Numair: Yea *COUGH* Numair.  
  
(Daine and Alanna look at each other)  
  
Daine: *blink blink*  
  
Alanna: Okay…  
  
Daine: Why'd we come *COUGH* here anyway?  
  
Numair: Yea *COUGH* Alanna!  
  
(Alanna and Daine choose to ignore him)  
  
Alanna: It wasn't my *COUGH* idea.  
  
Daine: It wasn't?  
  
Alanna: No. It was *COUGH* Numair's!  
  
Daine: *COUGH* Really?  
  
Alanna: Yea.  
  
Daine: Numair?  
  
Numair: What?  
  
Daine: Why'd you *COUGH* tell us to come up here?  
  
Numair: I did not! *COUGH*  
  
Daine: Are you *COUGH* sure?  
  
Numair: Yes I'm *COUGH* sure!  
  
Daine: Then who told us to come *COUGH* up here?  
  
Alanna: Err…Daine?  
  
Daine: Yea?  
  
Alanna: Didn't you?  
  
Daine: *blush* Oh…yea.  
  
Alanna: *sigh* Well? *COUGH*  
  
Numair: Yea *COUGH* Daine!  
  
Daine: I have this problem *COUGH*  
  
Alanna: And? *COUGH*  
  
2 Numair: Yea *COUGH* Daine!  
  
Daine: AAA*COUGH*HHHH! Can't you stop *COUGH* that?  
  
3 Alanna: Can't we stop *COUGH* coughing?  
  
Daine/Numair: NO!  
  
Alanna: Fine!  
  
Daine: Do you *COUGH* have a problem with *COUGH* coughing?  
  
Alanna: Yes I do!  
  
Daine: Well *COUGH COUGH* sorry *COUGH* Alanna *COUGH*  
  
Alanna: OH STOP IT!  
  
Numair: Yea *COUGH* Daine!  
  
Alanna: That's it! I can't take it anymore! Stop coughing! I'M not coughing! You shouldn't either.  
  
Daine: Fine.  
  
Numair: Fine.  
  
Daine: Copycat.  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
(Alanna walks away from them, ignoring them)  
  
Alanna: *sigh*  
  
(sits down on a dusty chair)  
  
Alanna: *sigh*  
  
(back to the argument)  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
(back to Alanna)  
  
Alanna: *sigh*  
  
(stands up)  
  
(back to the argument again)  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Numair: Am not!  
  
Daine: Are too!  
  
Alanna: STOP THAT!!!  
  
(silence)  
  
Alanna: That's better.  
  
Daine: He started it!  
  
Numair: No I didn't!  
  
Daine: Yes you did!  
  
Numair: Did not!  
  
Daine: Did too!  
  
Numair: Did not!  
  
Alanna: Oh not this again.  
  
(walks toward the stairs when she sees something overhead, something big and black)  
  
Alanna: Uh-oh.  
  
(back at the argument, yet again!)  
  
Daine: Did too!  
  
Numair: Did not!  
  
Daine: Did too!  
  
Numair: Did not!  
  
Daine: Did too!  
  
Numair: Did not!  
  
Daine: Did too!  
  
Numair: Did not!  
  
Daine: Did too!  
  
Numair: Did not!  
  
(back to Alanna, again)  
  
Alanna: Tell me that that's not what I think it is. Please? (to no one in particular)  
  
(thing starts crawling around the ceiling)  
  
Alanna: Is that a spider? Tell me that's not a spider. TELL ME THAT'S NOT A SPIDER!!!  
  
(spider "flies" towards Alanna)  
  
Alanna: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!  
  
(spider lands on her head)  
  
ALANNA: HELP!!! GET OFF!!! GET OFF!!!  
  
(argument is interrupted)  
  
Daine: Was that Alanna?  
  
Numair: Think so.  
  
(both look in the same direction, Alanna is running around wildly, clawing at her head)  
  
Daine/Numair: Okay…  
  
Alanna: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
Daine/Numair: Okay…  
  
Alanna: DIE SPIDER! DIE!  
  
Daine: Um…Alanna?  
  
Alanna (who is too busy screaming) AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Numair: Somebody stop that crazy woman!  
  
(suddenly Onua runs in)  
  
Daine: Onua!  
  
Onua: Daine!  
  
Alanna: STUPID SPIDERS!!!  
  
Onua: Um…what's wrong with her?  
  
Daine: I have no idea.  
  
Numair: I think she's having a nervous breakdown.  
  
(Myles walks in)  
  
Myles: Actually, Alanna's always been afraid of spiders.  
  
(walks out)  
  
Daine/Numair/Onua: Okay…  
  
Alanna: HELP ME!!!  
  
Onua: Well that explains things.  
  
(Daine and Numair nod)  
  
(Alanna continues screaming)  
  
Onua: Does someone want to help her?  
  
(Daine walks up to Alanna)  
  
Daine: Alanna?  
  
(Alanna still continues to scream)  
  
Daine: like *sigh*  
  
(plucks innocent spider out of Alanna's hair)  
  
(Alanna doesn't notice)  
  
Daine: Um Alanna, you can stop screaming now.  
  
Alanna: I can?  
  
Daine: Yup.  
  
Alanna: Okay.  
  
Daine: Wanna get something to eat?  
  
Alanna (grin): Sure.  
  
(the two walk out)  
  
Onua: *blink blink* 


	2. Run-Away Emperor

1 Strange Incidents  
  
Disclaimer: See disclaimer from Incident #1.  
  
Incident #2: Run-Away Emperor  
  
It's a beautiful day in the middle of June.  
  
Daine: Hello?  
  
(silence)  
  
Daine: Excuse me?  
  
(more silence)  
  
Daine: IS ANY ONE THERE?  
  
(even more silence)  
  
Daine: Fine. Be that way.  
  
(as Daine continues to have a conversation with herself, Kaddar appears)  
  
Kaddar: Daine?  
  
Daine: What? Oh, hi Kaddar. KADDAR?!  
  
Kaddar: Yea, nice to see you too.  
  
Daine: What are you doing here?  
  
Kaddar: I ran away.  
  
Daine: You ran away?  
  
Kaddar: I ran away.  
  
Daine: Really?  
  
Kaddar: Really really.  
  
Daine: Are you a donkey?  
  
Kaddar: What?  
  
Daine: Never mind.  
  
(Ozorne the Stormwing flies toward them)  
  
Daine: OZORNE?  
  
Kaddar: UNCLE?  
  
Daine: Aren't you dead?  
  
Kaddar: *gasp* You're dead?  
  
(Ozorne glares)  
  
(Daine frantically searches for a weapon)  
  
Ozorne: Yes I am dead, but I decided to visit my favorite nephew.  
  
Kaddar: Right…  
  
Daine: Why come now?  
  
Ozorne: Actually…I ran away.  
  
Daine: You what?  
  
Ozorne: I ran away all right? It's not that big of a deal is it?  
  
Kaddar: Of course not, uncle.  
  
Daine: Great, now we've got two run away emperors.  
  
Kaddar: Actually, I'm the emperor now. My uncle is…err…dead.  
  
(Ozorne glares)  
  
Daine: So that must mean you're a ghost, right?  
  
Ozorne: Yes, sadly, you're right.  
  
Kaddar: Hey uncle, how'd you ever die anyway?  
  
Ozorne: Well… (glares at Daine) your friend…  
  
Daine: I killed him, all right?  
  
Ozorne: Yea, she did.  
  
(Kaddar looks shocked)  
  
Kaddar: Daine?  
  
Daine: Yea?  
  
Kaddar: You didn't really kill him, did you.  
  
Daine: Of course I did, and I could do it again!  
  
Ozorne: Now let's not go there. (starts to look nervous)  
  
Daine: Oh…Ozorne isn't scared now, is he?  
  
Ozorne: Me, scared? Never.  
  
Daine: Oh really?  
  
Ozorne: Yea.  
  
Daine: Then let's see how brave you really are. (grabs a bucket of water and some soap)  
  
Ozorne: NOOO!!!!!! Anything but that! NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (a/n-I know Ozorne's supposed to like taking baths, but I've decided to alter that a bit ^_^)  
  
Kaddar: Daine, what are you doing?  
  
Daine: What do you think I'm doing? He stinks.  
  
Ozorne: I do? (starts smelling himself) EWW!!! I really do stink, don't I?  
  
Daine: Yes you do. Ever heard of deodorant?  
  
Ozorne: Why no I haven't. What' deodorant?  
  
Daine: *sigh*  
  
Kaddar: Please, can I go now?  
  
Daine: Whoever said you had to stay?  
  
Kaddar: Umm…no one.  
  
Daine: Exactly. I'm sure you don't want to see me torture your uncle.  
  
Kaddar (turns pale): Right. (dashes off)  
  
Daine (turns to Ozorne and grins evilly): Now, where were we?  
  
(Ozorne tries to back away, Daine dumps the bucket of water on him)  
  
Ozorne: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
(a/n-have you noticed that there's a lot of screaming in a lot of my stories? Also a lot of arguing)  
  
Daine: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Ozorne: PLEASE STOP! PLEASE STOP! I ADMIT IT! I AM AFRAID OF YOU!  
  
Daine (stops): Really?  
  
Ozorne: Yes! Yes, now can you let me go?  
  
Daine: Fine.  
  
Ozorne: Thank you! Thank you!  
  
(Ozorne flies away)  
  
Kaddar: Well, that was interesting.  
  
Daine: You're still here?  
  
Kaddar: Of course I'm still here.  
  
Daine: Why?  
  
Kaddar: I never liked my uncle much, remember?  
  
Daine: And that helps?  
  
Kaddar: Didn't you see him fly away?  
  
Daine: Yea.  
  
Kaddar: He was terrified of you!  
  
Daine: So? He always has been.  
  
Kaddar: Oh.  
  
Daine: Whatever. I'm going inside. I've had enough excitement for one day.  
  
Kaddar: Me too.  
  
Daine: Then shouldn't you be getting back to Carthak? You ARE the emperor after all.  
  
Kaddar: *sigh* I suppose you're right.  
  
Daine: Aww…don't look so sad. You can visit me whenever you like. Just remember to tell me first.  
  
Kaddar: Okay. Promise to write?  
  
Daine: Promise.  
  
Kaddar: All right then. Here I go.  
  
(Kaddar marches away and disappears into thin air)  
  
Daine: *blink blink*  
  
(heads back towards the palace)  
  
Daine: *sigh*  
  
(an out of place man walks towards her. He looked like a Yamani)  
  
Man: Excuse me.  
  
Daine: Yea?  
  
Man: Um…  
  
Daine: Who are you? (starts to get really nervous) *please don't let it be who I think it is*  
  
Man: I am the Emperor of the Yamani Islands. I ran away.  
  
Daine: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Whoa, that was weird. Hehe. I've got a ton of other ideas for this. ^_^ No time to write anymore for now. Maybe during the weekend. -Satiaus 


	3. Squire Days

1 Strange Incidents  
  
I just realized that I haven't written any fic with Kel in it, so…I'm going to write one about her! Yea, that's all (still major OOC)  
  
Disclaimer: See disclaimer from Incident #1.  
  
Incident #3: Squire Days  
  
Kel is in her room standing around doing nothing.  
  
(Cleon walks in)  
  
Cleon: Good morning, sunshine! My beautiful pearl! My-  
  
Kel: Put a cork in it.  
  
(Cleon looks taken aback)  
  
Kel: What?  
  
(Neal walks in)  
  
Neal: Hi Kel!  
  
Kel: Uh…hi?  
  
(Neal looks at Cleon, then at Kel)  
  
Neal: Should I leave you two alone?  
  
(Kel throws a pillow at him)  
  
Kel: Be quiet!  
  
Neal: Why should I?  
  
Kel: Because!  
  
Neal: Because what?  
  
Kel: Just because!  
  
Neal: Because what?  
  
Cleon: Oh brother.  
  
Kel: Neal, get out!  
  
Neal: Why should I?  
  
Kel: Because!  
  
Neal: So you can have time alone with…  
  
(Before he can finish, Kel shoves him out the door)  
  
Cleon: Glad that's over.  
  
Kel: Cleon!  
  
Cleon: What?  
  
Kel: Get. Out.  
  
Cleon: But…  
  
Kel: NOW!  
  
Cleon: Okay, okay. I'm going. Sheesh.  
  
Kel: I was having a wonderful time until YOU came along!  
  
Cleon: Bye.  
  
(Kel slams the door in his face)  
  
(a/n-okay, at this point, I have no idea where this is going)  
  
(next day)  
  
(Owen walks in)  
  
(Kel is doing a practice dance with her wooden glaive)  
  
Owen: Hi Kel!  
  
(Kel was concentrating so hard that she gets surprised and jumps into the air. She drops the glaive and it goes flying, hitting Owen on the head)  
  
Owen: Ow!  
  
Kel: Sorry.  
  
Owen (rubs his head): That's okay.  
  
(walks out)  
  
(Kel shakes her head)  
  
(the next day)  
  
(Kel is feeding the sparrows)  
  
(Roald walks in)  
  
Roald: Hi Kel!  
  
(Kel gets surprised again and falls onto the floor, the sparrows are also surprised and think that there's an intruder ::ahem:: which there is, sort of. They attack Roald)  
  
Roald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (a/n-there's that screaming again ladies and gentlemen)  
  
Kel: Serves you right!  
  
(Roald runs out with the sparrows following)  
  
(Cleon rushes in)  
  
Cleon: Are you all right, Kel?  
  
Kel: GET OUT CLEON!  
  
Cleon: But…  
  
Kel: I'm fine!  
  
(Neal runs in)  
  
Neal: I heard screaming.  
  
(Owen also runs in, followed by Merric)  
  
Owen: What's going on?  
  
Merric: Why was the crown prince of Tortall (Roald) running down the halls screaming his head off?  
  
(Seaver runs in)  
  
Seaver: Kel, why are your sparrows chasing Roald?  
  
(Faleron runs in too)  
  
Faleron: What's all the commotion?  
  
Kel: QUIET!!!!  
  
(silence)  
  
Kel: Thank you. Now get out.  
  
All the guys: But…  
  
Kel: Get out before I decide to loose my temper.  
  
Merric: But you never loose your temper, Kel. It's against your Yamani training. Isn't it?  
  
Kel: There's a first time for everyone.  
  
(everyone looks scared)  
  
Kel: I'm waiting…  
  
(All of the guys run out)  
  
(Lalasa walks in)  
  
Kel: Hi Lalasa!  
  
Lalasa: Good morning, my lady.  
  
Kel: Did you happen to see the sparrows?  
  
Lalasa: No.  
  
Kel: That's okay. They'll be back.  
  
Lalasa: I DID see someone screaming in the halls.  
  
Kel: Oh that's just Roald.  
  
Lalasa: Okay.  
  
(walks into the dressing room, aka her room)  
  
(next day)  
  
(Kel is playing with Jump)  
  
(there is a sound at the door)  
  
Muffled voice: Let me in!  
  
(Kel ignores it)  
  
Kel: Good thing I decided to lock it this time.  
  
Tada! All right, that's it for now! -Satiaus 


	4. Animal Confusion

1 Strange Incidents  
  
Disclaimer: See disclaimer from Incident #1.  
  
Incident #4: Animal Confusion  
  
*trumpet trumpet*  
  
Buri: Was that an elephant?  
  
Raoul: Sounded like a…trumpet.  
  
Buri: *glare*  
  
Raoul: What?  
  
*sssssssss…*  
  
Buri: Was that a snake?  
  
Raoul: Sounded more like…a bunch of S's.  
  
Buri: *glare*  
  
(in a nearby courtyard)  
  
*honk honk*  
  
Alanna: Was that a goose?  
  
George: It sounded more like a…honking thing.  
  
Alanna: *glare*  
  
(in the palace)  
  
*squeak squeak*  
  
Kel: Was that a mouse? Eek!  
  
Cleon: More like a…squeaky door.  
  
Kel: *glare*  
  
*bark bark*  
  
Kel: Was that a dog? Maybe it's Jump!  
  
Cleon: Sounded more like…bark.  
  
Kel: *glare*  
  
(in the Hall of Crowns)  
  
*meow meow*  
  
Thayet: Was that a cat?  
  
Jon: It sounded more like…ow!  
  
Thayet: *glare*  
  
(a/n-okay…this is getting VERY stupid everyone!)  
  
(everyone heads towards the mess hall)  
  
All the ladies: Men! *disgusted sigh*  
  
All the guys: Women! *disgusted sigh*  
  
Raoul: What is it with animals?  
  
Buri: What is it with inanimate things?  
  
Everyone: *sigh*  
  
Alanna: What was causing all the noise anyway?  
  
Everyone: Daine!  
  
* * *  
  
(in Daine and Numair's room)  
  
Daine: I'm going to get something to eat!  
  
Numair (muffle voice): Okay! (is busy in his workshop tinkering with…stuff *sigh* you know Numair)  
  
Daine: *sigh*  
  
(heads outside, and is immediately trampled over by a large crowd of people AKA Buri, Raoul, Alanna, George, Kel, Cleon, Jon, and Thayet)  
  
Daine: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Large Crowd of People: SORRY!  
  
Daine (removes herself from the floor): It's all right.  
  
2 Large Crowd of People: *sigh*  
  
Daine: Did you need me for anything?  
  
Kel: Were you responsible for all of the noises earlier?  
  
Daine: Noises? What noises?  
  
Alanna: The animal noises.  
  
George: No, the inanimate objects!  
  
Alanna: Animals!  
  
George: Objects!  
  
Alanna: Animals!  
  
George: Objects!  
  
Alanna: Animals!  
  
George: Objects!  
  
Alanna: Animals!  
  
George: Objects!  
  
Alanna: Animals!  
  
George: Objects!  
  
Alanna: Animals!  
  
George: Objects!  
  
(a/n-the ever so famous arguing, people! *bows*)  
  
Everyone else: *sigh*  
  
Buri: So if you weren't responsible for the noises, who was?  
  
Daine: *shrug* What did you hear?  
  
Buri: Well…I heard an elephant and a snake.  
  
Raoul: No, it was a trumpet and a bunch of S's.  
  
Buri: Was not!  
  
Raoul: Was too!  
  
Buri: Was not!  
  
Raoul: Was too!  
  
Buri: Was not!  
  
Raoul: Was too!  
  
Buri: Was not!  
  
Raoul: Was too!  
  
Buri: Was not!  
  
Raoul: Was too!  
  
Buri: Was not!  
  
Everyone else: Oh brother.  
  
(only Kel, Cleon, Jon, Thayet, and Daine are left in the conversation)  
  
Daine: So, Kel. What did you hear? And Cleon, don't interrupt.  
  
Kel: I heard a mouse. And a dog.  
  
Daine: Hmm…I see…  
  
Cleon: Can I say something?  
  
Daine: Sure.  
  
Cleon: I heard a squeaky door and "bark."  
  
Daine: "Bark?"  
  
Cleon: *nods*  
  
Daine: What did you hear, Your Majesties?  
  
Jon (clears throat): I heard someone cry "Ow!"  
  
Thayet: And I heard a cat.  
  
Daine: I see…  
  
Kel: Can't you say anything else?  
  
Daine: I see…  
  
Kel: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! STOP!!!  
  
Everyone else: *sigh*  
  
Daine: I see…  
  
Jon: Okay, now you're starting to get on my nerves. I'm leaving.  
  
Thayet: So am I  
  
(Jon and Thayet leave)  
  
Cleon: Guess it's just us.  
  
(Alanna, George, Raoul, and Buri stop arguing)  
  
Kel: Finally!  
  
Alanna: We must get to the bottom of this! Watson!  
  
(Alanna is all of a sudden wearing a funny coat and hat, smoking a pipe)  
  
Everyone else: Okay…  
  
Daine: I see…  
  
Buri: She must be loosing it.  
  
Everyone else: *nod*  
  
Raoul: Who could be behind all of the noises?  
  
All of a sudden…  
  
*chirp chirp*  
  
Daine: No one say anything!  
  
Everyone else: *gasp*  
  
Kel: You didn't say-um, those words.  
  
Daine: You mean "I see?"  
  
Kel: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone: Okay…  
  
*beep beep*  
  
*buzz buzz*  
  
Cleon: Where is that coming from?!  
  
(everyone looks at each other)  
  
Then…  
  
Everyone: NUMAIR!!!!  
  
The End  
  
Of  
  
Incident #4 


End file.
